Golf Jokes

The ‘Useful’ Golf Instruction Book – What Every Man Needs …

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Pinnacle ball from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off a Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7 - Crying on the Course and How to Handle it

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10 AM

Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the water

Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th

Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five Off the Tee

Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter 16 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 17 – How to Get a Date with the Beverage Cart Babe

Chapter 18 – How to Smuggle Booze Onto the Course

Chapter 19 – How to Play Golf with a Hangover

Chapter 20 – Urinating on the Course 101

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the Elmira Golf Club mixed alternate shot tournament, as his wife was just a beginning golfer. On the first hole, a short par four, with a little breeze at his back, he blistered a drive 300 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. The ball soared high and true, easily carrying the creek, coming to rest only 25 yards short of the green.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "OK Honey, just pitch it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the gorsey crap way to the right of the green.

Undaunted, the husband said, "That's fine, Sweetheart", and spent the next few minutes looking for the ball in a tangled mass of long gnarly grass and rough. He found it just before the allowed five minute mark, but it was in a horrible position - he had hardly any backswing and was waist deep in stinging nettles. He played the shot of his life to get the ball on the green and miraculously it settled to within just two feet of the hole.

He told his wife, "Now Dear, this putt is a slippery downhiller, just go really easy and nestle it up to the cup".

His wife then proceeded to have a bad case of the 'yips' and putted the ball past the hole, clear off the green and it disappeared into a greenside bunker. Still maintaining his composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and somehow holed the shot from the sand. He walked up, took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and said, "Honey, I’m afraid that was a bogey for us, but that's OK, I think we can do a little better on the next hole."

To which she replied, "Hey, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine!"

In 1923, who was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. The Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of their day. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, the 1923 PGA Champion and the winner of the world’s most important golf tournament, the 1923 US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

A: He played golf until he was 92, and died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was more than financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral: Fuck work. Play golf.

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals to the Pope, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match."

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call the Unites States of America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, and he can play Shimon Peres ... We can't lose!"

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored to represent the Pope and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus phoned the Vatican to inform the Pope of the results of the match.

"Unfortunately, I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You were beaten by Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "I came in second to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t - the double T is correct'', he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to an orthodontist, Dr. Taylor, for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same doctor a couple of years ago.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me right square in the nuts. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty five minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck in the oncoming lane. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"What do you mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes a little late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once.

"Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next week."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."

A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy little see-thru nightie.

"I want you to tie me up," she purrs, "and then you can do anything you want."

He ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.

A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late for our tee time?"

The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are one of the game’s greatest golfers, and your name is really synonymous with the game of golf. You are one man who knows his way around the course. What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "It’s easy - the holes are numbered 1 to 18."

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and the ball dribbles out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he declared he was playing his "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one.

He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a ‘Mulligan’ in Scotland?"

"We call it hitting 3 off the tee."

A man and his wife were driving through cross country on their way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, the husband decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. He spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant.
"Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver.
While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy, is a 2004 Cadillac DeVille Ultra."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has just about everything. It's loaded with all the power options: power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, navigation, DVD system and best of all, a big 8.8 litre V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!"
"Yes, it’s as good as it gets. How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $60.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off three twenties. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a couple of golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Two men play golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other, but the lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.

One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be all right if he substitutes for me today. In fact, if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure it comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?"

The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. "After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought.

Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.

The guy turns to his friend and says "That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this friggin’ gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check."

After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's short game?"

The other guy replies, "Same as his driving."

"That good, huh?"

"No, I mean, he chips and putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!"

A man and his wife were playing in their golf club's annual Husband & Wife Club Championship. The man was not at all happy about having to play in the event because the previous year the play was so slow, but his wife had insisted.

On the Par 5 12th tee, after already being on the course for over 4 and a half hours, the man’s patience had maxed out. While his wife was gabbing with another lady on the forward tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the men’s tee. Unfortunately, he hit the ball with the toe of his club and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly.

At the hospital, the doctor came to discuss the wife’s injury with the husband.

"Mr. Smith, we found a Titleist 3 Pro V1x golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain at the base of her skull, which was the cause of her immediate death. But, we found something else that really puzzles us."

"What is it?" asked Mr. Smith.

"Well," said the doctor, "upon further examination, we also found a Pinnacle golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity."

The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was my Mulligan!"

An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation.

When he is done, he looks at the other two and says "Oh, that's the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?"

They continue golfing until they come to the 9th hole, when again they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German.

When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah the wonders of German knowhow!"

At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles.

"What on earth are you doing?!" asks the American.

The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax".

A couple were on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "Well, that's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "But I've only been with one other guy – Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger didn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What did Tiger do?"

"He stayed in bed and we did it again."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service and get some food."

"Tiger didn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What did Tiger do?"

"He stayed in bed and we did it again."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger to find out what's par for this hole!"

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

''Hello?'' says a little girl's voice.

''Hi, honey, it's Daddy,'' says Bob. ''Is Mommy near the phone?''

''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'' After a brief pause, Bob says, ''But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!''

''Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!''

''Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.''

''Okay, Daddy!'' A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ''I did what you said, Daddy.''

''And what happened?''

''Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went crashing through the front window and now she's all dead.''

''Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?''

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all dead too.''

There is a long pause.

''Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?''

There were two old guys, Jack and Arnie, sitting in the clubhouse and talking about golf, just like they did every day. Jack turns to Arnie and says, "Do you think there's golf in heaven?"

Arnie thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I don’t know, Jack. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is golf in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later, poor Jack passes on. One day soon afterward, Arnie is sitting there in the locker room putting on his golf shoes when he hears a voice whisper, "Arnie ... Arnie ... "

Arnie responds, "Jack! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Arnie", whispers the spirit of Jack.

Arnie, still amazed, asks, "So, Jack, is there golf in heaven?"

"Well," Jack says, "I got some good news and I got some bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Arnie.

Jack says, "There is golf in heaven – in fact, the best golf and the best courses I’ve ever seen. The fairways are wide and the greens like billiard tables."

Arnie says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Jack sighs and whispers, "You and I have a tee time on Friday."

A husband and wife were dedicated golfers. They played golf together often, and it was always very close who would beat whom. One day the man would win, the next day the wife would win. For years it went on and on.

To celebrate their 50th anniversary, a wife booked a round of golf for her husband and herself on a trip to famous old St. Andrews' Golf Course in Scotland. The golf would be very special.

On the third tee, after sinking a long birdie putt to take the lead, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair with my secretary. I realized it was wrong, and I ended it and dismissed her. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was obviously hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are now long gone. What we have now and what I hope for the both of us in the future is far more valuable. I admire you for being so honest, and I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed. The wife seemed more determined and from that point played flawlessly.

On the seventeenth tee, behind by 4 shots, the husband was addressing his ball when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience - stricken since you told me of your affair - but since we're being so honest with each other, I have something I must tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me for not telling you when we met."

The husband glared at his wife and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke all his clubs one by one over his knee, then started on his wife's clubs.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar ... you cheat ... you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul ... and all these years you've been playing from the ladies' tees?!"

There was an American businessman who had a meeting in France. He met a woman in the hotel bar and that night they had their own meeting. While they were having sex, she was constantly yelling, "TROU FAUX, TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of passionate French praise.

The next day, after the meeting, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX, TROU FAUX!"

They looked at him and said, "What do you mean, the wrong hole?"